*1322 - siesta

In the past month and a half, I have:
- Traveled to Hawaii for a week
- Hosted a lovely guest in SF
- Traveled to Japan for two weeks
- Hosted another lovely guest in SF
- Traveled to Boston for almost a week

While I wholeheartedly enjoyed all of the above, I'm exhausted.

And hyper-stressed at work, unfortunately.  The straw that broke me on Thursday night was discovering a data error in an already-delivered report, which saw me sobbing at my computer with a pit in my stomach and then calling up my manager's personal cell at 9 PM to freak out.  No, my reaction was not warranted, one typically does not call up a VP of a company at 9 PM on their personal cell, but I was on edge.

And sick.

But so glad to be back in SF.

Today was, perhaps oddly to the outsider, the perfect day that the introvert in me was craving badly.  Thanks to being germy, therefore unfit for human interaction, today was the first day I recall spending in solitude in ... months.  It involved an intense amount of nose-blowing, a great deal of ginger/lemon/honey/tea-making, some porridge-creation, waking and napping cuddles with Poka, online shopping, looking at pretty girls in pretty clothes, a bit of laundry, and watching of a documentary and a movie.  I don't believe I've curled up and watched anything by myself in my apartment in ... more than just months.  I've certainly never done it in this apartment, since I moved in March.  It's just not something I ever have the time to do.

I realize the above sounds pretty miserable, but to me, that was the perfect day of emotional recovery that I needed.  Off to bed now, coughing and unable to breathe normally, but feeling much more at peace.

*1321 - too happy

Does it scare you to be too happy?

Do you worry that your capacity for happiness is going to expand in the same way your stomach stretches when you overeat, so that when you're below that max volume of happiness, even if it was perfectly satiating in the past, you may now hunger more?

That doesn't scare me as much as the thought of being happy because of someone else.

*1320 - Maui

I was trying to figure out which photo, out of the trillions that I took, would be the most representative of my trip to Maui.  These were two close contenders.

Intensely beautiful landscapes, which look uncannily like fake paintings.  Dorkily enough, this picture became all six of our phone screens throughout the trip.

And then there was this.  Intensely focused synchronized hula dancing.  

Yes, it was one of those trips.

*1319 - growing old

I recognize all the huge changes in myself over the years and am thankful.  I can guess at what could be happening in a couple of parallel universes--it could be more awesome, it could be devastatingly worse.  But where I am right now.  I am just thankful.

A younger me would have once thought crossing the line into "late 20's" would reflect a very different lifestyle than "early 20's".  Sure, materially, things have changed.  I work, I pay all my own bills, I subsist completely on my own, I don't depend on anyone.  I can afford tiny luxuries like trips to Hawaii and the occasional Michelin-rated restaurant and more shoes than I objectively require.  Sure, maturity has grown, thank God.  I understand myself and have learnt to accept myself or accept my process to accepting myself.  Sure, I have discovered new hobbies, have a different mix of friends, do different things to entertain or improve myself, have different goals and objectives.  Sure, I have new worries and new priorities that occupy my mind that didn't use to.

But one thing that would probably have surprises me, because it surprises me today and makes me giggle, is all that talk about getting jaded?  Tapering off?  Mellowing?  Settling?  Not having as much fun?  That is so far from the truth!  I look at my older friends in their 30's and 40's and I only hope I can be as cool and fun-loving as them when I am there.  (Everyone in San Franciso has a slight streak of crazy, though, so perhaps my perceptions are skewed.)

What I'm saying, I guess, is that a passion, a passion for passion, a wonder for life, and active pursuit of adventure and newness and excitement--I don't think this has to wane.  Sometimes, I catch myself laughing at myself, because I realise (happily) that some things don't change and don't have to change.

*1318 - sheeps and poles: a compilation

Sheep jamming out on poles.  Awesome Halloween!

This was Part 2 of 3 of the major Halloween events this year.  Part 3 was undocumented in pictures but involved bachata/kizomba dancing in above DIY sheep costume--which was handmade from 200 cotton balls glued to a top and a headband.  At the end of the night, I was a half-shorn sheep, leaving unravelled cotton balls strewn across the dance floor ... hilarious.

By the way, do note that cotton balls are extremely heat retentive, so prepare to be sweaty if you're ever covered in hundreds of cotton balls and dancing vigorously.

*1317 - chandelier

This is significant.

It combines my new love (zouk beats) and my old love (modern dance).

Today is significant.  Every day is significant.  Every experience, every mundane-ity (how is this not a word?), every piece of negativity, every herd of unicorns and sparkles, every spectrum of plain old nothingness.  All moments are significant.

*1316 - timelapse singapore

I thought this was really well done:
http://vimeo.com/109097527

As an insider-outsider hybrid now looking in from outside, seeing the developments that have been made in the past decade--it's remarkable, and it's beautiful.

*1315 - e&e sisters

I have a feeling many of my preferences and life choices have been unintentionally influenced by my sister.  Way back in the day, when she changed my mind on how pink and purple don't go together and how red and yellow did or maybe it was the other way around, when she thought having a little sister who could do the splits was cool therefore I learnt to do the splits and made Mumsies enroll me in ballet classes, when she once drank melted napoleon ice cream from a spoon a la Mary Poppins' medicine scene and I reenacted that quietly by myself for years, when she played the organ and I followed suit happily, when she played the piano and I followed suit more happily than following suit with the organ, when she failed at Chinese and I promptly declared myself a failure as well and landed myself in the bottom Chinese class in RGS, when she learnt French for a year because it was a beautiful language and I learnt French for a year and still think it is the most beautiful language I've ever heard ...

I don't think she remembers many of these things or realizes to what extent she shaped me, and I don't think I remember many of those things or fully realize to what extent I am me because of her.

We grew up, we're grown up, she has a French-speaking husband and seven-month old baby, I'm on the other end of the world and I share my life with a grey kitty.  We're so different in so many ways but so shockingly similar sometimes--people look at us suspiciously when they first learn we are sisters (tall/skinny/exotic-looking vs. short/stout/standard Chinese-looking, guess who's who), but the confusion goes away once we start talking.  I still look up to her tremendously and wouldn't mind at all being just like my big sister when I grow up.

*1314 - officially in love

With Zouk!

(They're brother and sister)

(I want to dance in a fountain in the setting sun too)

*1313 - sleep

Have been sleeping rather horribly lately.  Firstly, sheer lack of sleep.  Secondly, frequently waking up in a panic and unexplainable need to check my work phone immediately e.g. at 3 am.  Thirdly, waking nightmares where I'm having anxiety about dreamt up work-related issues but I'm actually physically awake but I guess mentally in limbo--this one is hard to articulate but seems like a colleague of mine has the exact same phenomenon happening so I'm not alone.

This morning, Poka screamed and I whimpered for five minutes before we crawled out of bed.

Well, this just means more PSL's in the day (hashtagbasicbitch).

*1312 - call me; twenty dollars

How have I not discovered them earlier??  I am such a fan.  Groovin' out!

*1311 - release

These days, I've been completely blissed out.  After almost three decades ("what the what??"--my new phrase that makes me giggle) of figuring myself out, I think I'm at the point where I've worked out the intricacies of this complex and evolving being.  I am still wrought with inadequacies and insecurities and peculiarities, but they no longer take me by surprise--acknowledge them, and then either focus positive energies towards making a change, or release and accept.  

Why welcome back, Insecurity, you still feel icky on a visceral level (that sinking feeling in my tummy, that thump in my throat), but now I know what caused you to enter into my domain, and I know that some day I will be able to bid you farewell--or maybe even some day I won't.  But that's fine, because I understand, and I know how to react in a non-destructive fashion, and maybe my heart will catch up with my head eventually.  Maybe.

I catch myself beaming to myself without obvious cause when I'm alone, and chuckle.

-

If you are struggling.  Acknowledge the struggle, acknowledge the pain, acknowledge the brutality, acknowledge that you're not perfect, acknowledge that you will not be.  It's an understanding of yourself that you may or may not ever be able to let go of.  But try and release the negativity, to make room for the strength, that you may or may not garner this time, and it's okay if you don't.  But you work towards the possibility that some day you may.

*1310 - a day of discovery

Yesterday was a day of discovery.  

First of all, the musical genre of electronic swing.  After some careful tweaking, I've been grooving out to my freshly minted Pandora station based on Parov Stelar's Chambermaid Swing.  This remix has the benefit of being accompanied by a particularly trippy video; there is some fantastically wild lindyhop going on in there.

Secondly, I went to my first ever Kizomba class and social.  I've dabbled awkwardly in the past a couple of times but never really got it.  Yesterday, the theoretical concept of the connection suddenly clicked bodily and BAM, four hours of Kizomba flew by.  This was my favorite song of the night.

And thirdly, in the midst of discovering Kizomba, I did a surprise double-discovery and discovered Zouk.  Oddly enough, it's danced to the same music as Kizomba, but it's a completely different dance.  I think of it as a beautiful rag doll dance.  There happened to be a Zouk instructor in the little crowd who was so kind as to spin and weave me through the rest of the Kizomba social folks in spite of my complete ignorance of the dance, and somehow made it appear (probably to the equally ignorant onlooker) that I was actually dancing.  Still, I found it to be really beautiful.  Here is a video that represents very well what I was not doing:

A fresh addict--and off I go now to dance the night away again.

*1309 - rope swing

Billy Goat Hill's rope swing: a hidden gem in SF.  A very long piece of rope tied around a skinny tree branch, with a rudimentarily constructed wooden seat attached to the end.  It launches you off the top of a hill, with a precarious drop beneath you, but an inspiring view of the city in the backdrop.



The littler bump on the left (not the big brown bump on the right) is where I live ... I think!

I appeared to be the only one who screeched as I went, so perhaps this isn't something that most would classify as an exhilarating experience, but ... I loved it.

*1308 - babies

One important advantage about having a big sister, though of course there are uncountable more, is that they get to navigate the bumpy path of learning How To Have A Baby before you have to.

This is particularly helpful if you grew up in a world surprisingly devoid of babies or even toddlers, leading to an unfounded but real fear of being within arm's length of one of those.  That aversion still exists, but if caught in a true emergency situation, I could probably (awkwardly) carry, burp, mix formula for, and bottle feed a newborn.  I also have some theoretical knowledge of the bathing and diaper-changing procedure, and the wonders of the modern woman's hands-free breast pump, solely based on nervous observation.

I'm counting on the fact that generations upon generations of mothers have successfully brought up their babies, therefore it should be accomplish-able when it comes to my turn (oh goodness, not anytime soon, please).  But it brings me great comfort that I would have my sister to count on for motherly wisdom when that time comes.  Thanks, sis :)

Meanwhile, I am affixed to the oh-so-foreign-to-me daily struggles, triumphs, discoveries of a new mother.  Here's my sister's Little Sack Of Rice!

*1307 - hair, part two and three

Hair part one will always have a special place in my heart ... $400 and 9 hours cutting, bleaching, and dyeing my virgin hair. Purple interwoven with blue.

Hair part two was fun: punky pink tips (which eventually faded to baby pinky blonde) with a deeper purple ombre closer to the roots.

But now, hair part three is just ... amazingness to a different level.  Mermaid blues and teals--there are icy chunks, royal blues, and smudges of greens.  If everyone in the world were to be born with colored hair--and imagine what fun that would be; oh, inadequate genetics--I would have been born with this.  

*1306 - complication

Being in a relationship can bring out the biggest frustrations and explosions in your life because, well, it matters. It makes sense that everything is amplified--things you could let go off if the same situation happened with just a friend become exponentially more important to hold on to and address. I've been (perhaps unnaturally) content swingin' single these past few months, but am quickly finding that it can be terribly complicated and tumultuous as well. The key has always been alignment. There are so many people in the world seeking alignment. And so many people in various states of needs and expectations. It should not be all this difficult to be aligned.

*1305 - sick again

I see a trend here: long weekend = party it up = sick for a week after that.  Oops.

Being sick really sucks but ...

#1. Having been wiped out for a week and a half recently for the same reason, I have my Cold Recovery Routine down pat.  This includes having four important fluids lined up at arms' length at any moment: lukewarm water, hot ginger lemon honey tea, cold juice/Gatorade/equivalent, and very importantly, NyQuil ready for swigging straight from bottle.  This also includes making large quantities of two dishes on Day Minus 1 (yes, I can tell when I'm going to be sick the next day, and can therefore prepare ahead of time for the inevitable) that becomes my sustenance over the course of illness: homemade chicken noodle soup with lots of ginger, and porridge with lots of ginger.  Someone told me ginger was the magic ingredient to recovery and I so am aggressively ingesting ginger just in case it works.

#2. Cuddling up with this little darling while working from home makes things a touch better:

*1304 - casual

The irony is that being casual can be more stressful than being serious.  It is surprisingly difficult to tell the difference between self-protection (taking the time to be me, understand what I need, overcome barriers) and shooting myself in the foot (missed opportunities).

*1303 - turning 18 but 26

The best part about living by the bay is witnessing glorious fireworks upon a beautiful backdrop ever so often by chance.  These were particularly spectacular, and we never found out what the occasion was.  Or bothered to find out.

I am incessantly repetitive but the difference between the past three years and today is just so eye-opening-ly stark.  I see myself reverting back to what I once was way back when I was joyful in anticipation of life, simply the expectation of what life could behold, and the future, the future that was indisputably going to be awesome even if it wasn't immediately--except with the added benefit of years of wisdom to regulate the naivete (thank God).  It's not so much situational, but more a mindset.  I do think we are very much influenced by our surroundings and can take on various different personas which we can call our own.  And no, I don't mean untruthfully.  

*1302 - turning 26

It's been one of my more epic birthday weeks (though this is not much coming from the girl who refuses to explicitly celebrate it in general).  Therefore, I am sick today.  But it was worth it.

This year's celebrations involved a sous vide salmon party and six bottles of wine for five people, cocktails at the academy of science, a half day just for me on my birthday, dancing the night away, girl friends from NY visiting over the long weekend, several ridiculously amazing dinners, high/tipsy giggle fests all around, Sonoma tour that involved a limo for seven, many bottles of wine, gorgeous vineyard views, general debauchery, and impromptu salsa dancing in a winery courtyard:

And now it's time to knock myself out with cold medication and sleep for hopefully 12 hours.  I can't remember when the last time was that I had a good night's sleep.

*1301 - change

... is turning out to suit me very well.

All you need really are a few super-positives to hang on to--an old best buddy or a new cool friend, a regular dance class or new dancing experiences, a pesky kitty who somehow manages to be cute just when I'm about to throw her out the window ;), a good song to rock out to when noone's looking, a beautiful sunny day, a lovely city to explore ... I sometimes feel like I'm sitting in a train watching the outside flash by, industrial grey or sunset oranges or icy blues, sometimes slow and dreary, sometimes slow and gorgeous, sometimes fast and scary, sometimes thankfully, blindly fast.  But all these super-positives are sitting in my carriage with me looking out the window as well.  Maybe once in a while they decide to take flight and slip out through the crack of the window, whipped away by the wind or slowly letting go.  Maybe once in a while I put my arm out of the window and pluck a new one from outside and set it down next to me.

That's my philosophy.  Remember to look around in my carriage and realise that no matter what's flashing by outside, I'm blessed.

*1300 - change

Much as I enjoy the follies of this awesome city of San Francisco, the glorious food, the beautiful people, the entertainment aplenty, the work that I love doing ...

Yep.  Always missing home sweet home.  Ahh.



(Walking along the Singapore River one night.)

Much dramatic change going on in my life right now that's almost too much to handle.  Just almost.  Yet I'm filled with hope for things to start spiraling back upwards.

*1299 - history

Sometimes, it's pretty darn awesome to have a blog.  For me, it has morphed from a weirdly embarrassing narcissistic outlet some ten years ago to a more private personal notebook today.  Private because no one reads this anymore, yes? ;)  Well, the most private of thoughts/feelings never come through explicitly, but it does help jog the memory regardless.

It's often horrifying but enlightening to scroll through your silly immature thoughts of the past, realize on hindsight what terrible decisions you've made in the past, what pointless things occupied your mind, what embarrassingly unimportant events were so important to you, but reflect on how they have ultimately made you who you are today.

Some day I will read this, shake my head, and wonder why I was so pensive and dramatic.  Silly old me.

*1298 - jetlag

Day one: collapsed at 830 pm after a packed day upon landing in SF and no sleep on flights. Woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed and in high spirits. Bounced out of bed into bathroom to get ready for a brand new day, whereupon realizing it was just 1130 pm and I had a whole night ahead of me yet. Dozed intermittently here and there but not really.

Day two: being ambitious and having gone straight from work to an evening dance class, managed to stay up til 1130 pm despite extreme exhaustion. Declared it a safer time to sleep compared to the previous night's 830. Unfortunately have been up since 3 am and am at a loss of what to do with myself at this point.

Well! Honestly not terribly pleased with being back due to many less than desirable circumstances and the fact that I'm missing my family dearly. It is always a difficult parting and adjustment, and I'm not just talking about jetlag.

*1297 - blue and purple

Et voila.  The result of two trips to the hair salon, including two rounds of cutting and coloring, nine hours in a chair, and several hundred dollars later.  This is an extremely deceiving photo that I snapped with my phone in an attempt to show someone quickly what my new hair looked like.  It's only this vibrant if I'm standing by a window with natural light pouring in, my hair arranged just so, and when freshly dyed.

There are two layers of purple+blue hair covered by a shield of jet black for semblance of professionalism when I'm back at work.  One layer rings around the top of my head, and the other layer goes asymmetrically from the top right to the bottom left.  They interwove blue with purple dye throughout so there's a lot of interesting texture.

Absolutely love it!  Much-needed breath of fresh air.

(Only Hairloom will be allowed to do anything drastic to my hair from now on.  Too bad I'll miss them when I'm in SF!)

*1296 - home

I have been home two weeks with one left to go.  I have made my family a heavier priority this time round than before.  Am blessed to be witnessing the milestones in my siblings' lives even though I am usually not present.

So many mixed feelings.  Nightly, I'm pooped and flop into bed early with extreme fatigue from running from appointment to appointment everyday, woozy from sun exposure, headachey from dehydration because I generally suck at drinking enough liquids.  But I lie awake for hours and then stir again in the wee hours of the morning, thoughts churning and preventing me from sleeping or going back to sleep.

One, there is the whole "It's Complicated" thing to worry about.  Two, the stress of finding (a) a roomie and (b) a room in SF.  Three and most poignantly for now, the haunting question every friend and family member asks me for which I cannot find a clear answer in my heart: "so are you coming back to Singapore eventually?"

There are many little pieces to weigh and juggle and inspect and taste, holding up against the light, breathing in deeply or gurgling sips through the teeth or chewing thoughtfully, trying to find matching pieces of the jigsaw to make a whole and coherent picture without having the end goal to refer to.  (That applies to all three.)  The commentary in my head switches sides in the blink of an eye; do I really have to know the answer right now?  (That applies to the last.)

*1295 - international

So completely spot on.

*1294 - whole

As hard as the heart tries to clutch on desperately, ultimately the mind which can look further than just the immediate guides the way.  Mildly at ease but in great turmoil at the same time.  There will be calm once both halves reconcile.

*1293 - home

SF this past week. New Orleans for a long weekend with the girls. Bentonville for the final stretch: 2.5 weeks. As then home for three!

It's been too long, life has been tumultuous, I'm looking forward to the familiar stability of family and old friends.

*1292 - parsleyed eggs

- I once made a fried egg for a buddy in college some 5 years ago, and put parsley on it
- I typically do not put parsley on my fried eggs, nor do most people (I believe)
- I just found out that he's been putting parsley on his fried eggs ever since

This really cracked me up.

But reminded me of how the tiniest things you encounter in life can change you, or how the tiniest things you may do might affect someone else in a miniscule way--but it can all add up.  Surround ourselves with positive, loving people, and isolate (at least mentally) from negative, harmful ones, because anything can rub off.

*1292 - walls (literally)

There is this one wall in my AR apartment that compells me to do a handstand against it whenever I walk near it.

I was pondering my motivation behind that when I remembered there was this one wall in my Green Meadows room that compelled me to do a scorpion stretch every time I was close to it.

There are worse things to habitually do--in fact, I might have to start training myself feel compelled to do a full body workout routine by the time I walk from one end of the apartment to the other.  Squats by this floor lamp, side splits by that table ...

*1291 - CNY

This year, I did more Chinese New Year-related activities than I have in years.  (I think I plain missed it last year by accident.)

By that, I mean I did two whole things:

Activity 1: Dinner with a table-ful of Chinese people
Honestly felt out of place even though I had a couple of good friends flanking me because the rest of the table was speaking in full out richly accented Chinese and as a result I was understanding 20% of what was going on.  Testament to how you can study Chinese for 12 years but not be able to converse due to lack of real-life application outside of the classroom now and while growing up.  I might have to hire Chinese people to talk to my future babies in Mandarin so they don't get afflicted with this monolingual handicap.  I wish I could re-learn now but I'm too embarrassed; it's a vicious circle because I'm embarrassed that I don't know how to speak Chinese.

Anyway.

Activity 2: Pineapple tarts
I used this recipe: http://rasamalaysia.com/recipe-pineapple-tarts

Most effortful part: cutting up the pineapples.

 

So ugly but delicious:

We made some even uglier open-faced ones--they really do look ugly if you don't use a mould to stamp out the pastry bases!  Homemade pineapple tarts are decadent and delicious but only on Day 2 onwards.  Somehow, they were only just okay freshly baked.

So there you go.  My modest little Chinese New Year!

*1290 - little happy events

I feel like I'm breaking up, with multiple (figurative) boyfriends that represent various facets of my life.  Thankfully the real life version is still awaiting me patiently in SF.  But what a mix of emotions!  Passion, hate, comfort, unease, longing, dread.  Push, pull.  Up, down.

But there are always things in your day to be thankful for, even if it was an otherwise sucky one.  Always, if you try!  It's ok if they're small; it doesn't mean they're insignificant.  Give it a shot.  For me, a few of today's happy moments:

• Got a beast of a survey launched!
• Compliments all around on my outfit, including two men who noticed my shoes; imagine that!  I don't care about their opinion per se, it's just the concept that men, especially those with no history of being particularly fashion-conscious, never notice shoes.  Therefore my shoes must truly be awesome.  Either that or very inappropriate for work, in Bentonville.  Shrug, it is almost synonymous.
• Oreos and milk for breakfast.  Who said that was bad for you?  Then cauliflower for lunch.  I love cauliflower.
• Day 2 of making my way through the four amazingly delicious giant cookie bricks that my Superwoman sent in the mail.  I'm 2/3 way through the first one ... this might take a while.  That is a good thing.
• Overcame severe phobia of drive through's especially after yesterday's failed attempt where I bravely got all the way into the lane, hyperventilated, pulled out of the line, parked, and walked right in to make my order in person.  Today I summed up my courage and tried again at a coffee shop and this time successfully left with a macchiato!!
• Discovered my new favorite expression of excitement: wewp wewp
• Making exciting weekend plans, making exciting following weekend plans, making exciting following following weekend plans, wewp wewp.

And a sudden realization as I come to the end of my list that I've been with my love for three years.  Yes I only just realised as I was typing this list because I'm bad with dates and I always think time periods are so arbitrary anyway.  What is one year, or one month, or one week really?  We would all be celebrating different important events if we had decided a year was 465 days instead.  Anyway we picked "mid-Jan" vaguely because the progression from friend to more was ambiguous at that time.  Well then!  Clearly something to be very thankful for :)

And clearly with someone who thinks along the same lines as I do as his response to my hurried "happy anniversary" text wasn't "asdlkfja;sldkfj I know you forgot"--his response was "cool 3 yrs".  This is why we were meant to be.

Cool.

*1289 - helpless

Pit in tummy,
Physically feeling ill from a purely psychological worry,
Helplessness,
Knowing you potentially screwed up royally.

It's intriguing how the mind and the body link up so directly like that.

But the only thing I can do is distract myself from my mistake because I cannot undo it.

alkldsfhal;;lkajflal;gasaa.

Work woes.

*1288 - i surprise me

Today, I managed to give myself a dinner surprise.  I set out meaning to make fried rice with sauteed chicken on the side--simple.  A sudden twist in events midway through as I was setting my freshly cooked plain rice aside and stirring chicken and veggies in a pan resulted in me suddenly finding myself with a steaming pot of chicken noodle soup that really hits the spot on this cold wintry day.  And now I have spare brown rice in the freezer ready for use in future.

Sometimes you just gotta follow the tummy and not the mind when cooking!