*1313 - sleep

Have been sleeping rather horribly lately.  Firstly, sheer lack of sleep.  Secondly, frequently waking up in a panic and unexplainable need to check my work phone immediately e.g. at 3 am.  Thirdly, waking nightmares where I'm having anxiety about dreamt up work-related issues but I'm actually physically awake but I guess mentally in limbo--this one is hard to articulate but seems like a colleague of mine has the exact same phenomenon happening so I'm not alone.

This morning, Poka screamed and I whimpered for five minutes before we crawled out of bed.

Well, this just means more PSL's in the day (hashtagbasicbitch).

*1312 - call me; twenty dollars

How have I not discovered them earlier??  I am such a fan.  Groovin' out!

*1311 - release

These days, I've been completely blissed out.  After almost three decades ("what the what??"--my new phrase that makes me giggle) of figuring myself out, I think I'm at the point where I've worked out the intricacies of this complex and evolving being.  I am still wrought with inadequacies and insecurities and peculiarities, but they no longer take me by surprise--acknowledge them, and then either focus positive energies towards making a change, or release and accept.  

Why welcome back, Insecurity, you still feel icky on a visceral level (that sinking feeling in my tummy, that thump in my throat), but now I know what caused you to enter into my domain, and I know that some day I will be able to bid you farewell--or maybe even some day I won't.  But that's fine, because I understand, and I know how to react in a non-destructive fashion, and maybe my heart will catch up with my head eventually.  Maybe.

I catch myself beaming to myself without obvious cause when I'm alone, and chuckle.

-

If you are struggling.  Acknowledge the struggle, acknowledge the pain, acknowledge the brutality, acknowledge that you're not perfect, acknowledge that you will not be.  It's an understanding of yourself that you may or may not ever be able to let go of.  But try and release the negativity, to make room for the strength, that you may or may not garner this time, and it's okay if you don't.  But you work towards the possibility that some day you may.

*1310 - a day of discovery

Yesterday was a day of discovery.  

First of all, the musical genre of electronic swing.  After some careful tweaking, I've been grooving out to my freshly minted Pandora station based on Parov Stelar's Chambermaid Swing.  This remix has the benefit of being accompanied by a particularly trippy video; there is some fantastically wild lindyhop going on in there.

Secondly, I went to my first ever Kizomba class and social.  I've dabbled awkwardly in the past a couple of times but never really got it.  Yesterday, the theoretical concept of the connection suddenly clicked bodily and BAM, four hours of Kizomba flew by.  This was my favorite song of the night.

And thirdly, in the midst of discovering Kizomba, I did a surprise double-discovery and discovered Zouk.  Oddly enough, it's danced to the same music as Kizomba, but it's a completely different dance.  I think of it as a beautiful rag doll dance.  There happened to be a Zouk instructor in the little crowd who was so kind as to spin and weave me through the rest of the Kizomba social folks in spite of my complete ignorance of the dance, and somehow made it appear (probably to the equally ignorant onlooker) that I was actually dancing.  Still, I found it to be really beautiful.  Here is a video that represents very well what I was not doing:

A fresh addict--and off I go now to dance the night away again.

*1309 - rope swing

Billy Goat Hill's rope swing: a hidden gem in SF.  A very long piece of rope tied around a skinny tree branch, with a rudimentarily constructed wooden seat attached to the end.  It launches you off the top of a hill, with a precarious drop beneath you, but an inspiring view of the city in the backdrop.



The littler bump on the left (not the big brown bump on the right) is where I live ... I think!

I appeared to be the only one who screeched as I went, so perhaps this isn't something that most would classify as an exhilarating experience, but ... I loved it.

*1308 - babies

One important advantage about having a big sister, though of course there are uncountable more, is that they get to navigate the bumpy path of learning How To Have A Baby before you have to.

This is particularly helpful if you grew up in a world surprisingly devoid of babies or even toddlers, leading to an unfounded but real fear of being within arm's length of one of those.  That aversion still exists, but if caught in a true emergency situation, I could probably (awkwardly) carry, burp, mix formula for, and bottle feed a newborn.  I also have some theoretical knowledge of the bathing and diaper-changing procedure, and the wonders of the modern woman's hands-free breast pump, solely based on nervous observation.

I'm counting on the fact that generations upon generations of mothers have successfully brought up their babies, therefore it should be accomplish-able when it comes to my turn (oh goodness, not anytime soon, please).  But it brings me great comfort that I would have my sister to count on for motherly wisdom when that time comes.  Thanks, sis :)

Meanwhile, I am affixed to the oh-so-foreign-to-me daily struggles, triumphs, discoveries of a new mother.  Here's my sister's Little Sack Of Rice!

*1307 - hair, part two and three

Hair part one will always have a special place in my heart ... $400 and 9 hours cutting, bleaching, and dyeing my virgin hair. Purple interwoven with blue.

Hair part two was fun: punky pink tips (which eventually faded to baby pinky blonde) with a deeper purple ombre closer to the roots.

But now, hair part three is just ... amazingness to a different level.  Mermaid blues and teals--there are icy chunks, royal blues, and smudges of greens.  If everyone in the world were to be born with colored hair--and imagine what fun that would be; oh, inadequate genetics--I would have been born with this.