*687 - knives

I don't know how anyone can harbor so much hate within themselves. Especially if you step back and just look at the situation. Just look at it. Look. Look! Just look! What could possibly justify that kind of quiet, cold, seething, knife-like hatred? Which grows and grows over time instead of fading?

Every day I try to ignore it and be happy. But I've learned to recognize your footsteps (slide-tap, slide-tap) and when I hear that, I stay away, because the daggers you shoot at me whenever I smile and say hi - they cut.

Maybe that's what you want. I hope you're happy.

*686 - the strange things dancers do

Dance in stairwells


Pretend to be anteaters stalking each other


Dance in the male bathroom
(Spot Ivette in the mirror scaling the cubicles)


By the urinals


And on the toilet


Feel happy and sad


Do a modern version of a pole dance

*685 - i am sitting in a room

different from the one you are in now.

*684 - navigator of the seas

Dining room


Inside


Outside


Apple juice


The cruise. Wind in my hair, sun on my cheek, unlimited food, dearest Sommai, 72 chews, dimple in singular, 3 am hot tubs, the dungeon, pause grape grape grape mango two, conversations in bed, three reef snorkeling plus one, two in one, slot machines, ...

Well. It gave me time to be introspective. To look inside and ask why, why do I, why don't I, why do I do this, why don't I ever learn? And maybe it gave me time to be 'extro'spective too. To look outside and ask why, why does he, why doesn't she, how could he, why should she?

Unanswered questions. Some torment me. Others give me hope. My life is in some sort of a mess and I'm not sure where to begin cleaning up. Over there are my emotions tied up in an impossible knot. Over on the other side (somewhat literally) is a mountain of untouched work and career-related things I should not be ignoring. And over here is just me, trying to be happy, trying to ignore, trying to grow, trying to forgive, trying to heal, trying to forget, trying to smile, trying to love.

All of your faces. Floating through my mind, different memories and different feelings attached. All with a little "hmm" label. You make me laugh. Hmm. You make me doubt. Hmm. You make me curious. Hmm. You upset me more than you should. Hmm. You do not affect me. Hmm. And then you, you make me infinitely happy, infinitely sad.

Hmm.

*683 - overgrown kids

My first time in a water park ;)

*682 - back to reality

Life has been exciting. But spring break is now over, so it's back to reality again. Like Vance said, I'm still suffering from phantom ground-swaying thanks to the cruise. And suffering the aftereffects of not applying the sunblock as thoroughly as I should have as well as the aftereffects of eating two entrees and three desserts at each meal.

Spring break was just one drama after another. What I want to say to different people (most of whom will never see this) but probably will not.

1. I'm sorry that it happened like that. I don't know about you, but I'm filing the past month away into the "happy" compartment. I hope we can be friends again.

2. Although I almost threw up, it was just perfect. And crazy. I only wish ...

3. Today, I found out that yes, it was your sister who opened the door, but no, she was not by herself. I wonder if that bothers you. You are slightly less clandestine than I expected.

4. I save your voicemails. I miss you. A lot more than I dare to think about.

5. Now that the challenge is over, what are you going to do?

*681 - her morning elegance

*680 - I opened my eyes

when you were kissing me once
more than once

from the first to the last time
the signs said 'stop'
but we went on whole-hearted

*679 - dragon baby

Dragon day - what better day to bring out the camera, which has pretty much been hibernating all semester? The dragon was small but stylish and fancy this year, and the phoenix was small but gorgeous and a lot more mobile than last year's red pigeon-like phoenix. For some strange reason, there was the traditional huge ozone-damaging fire in the Arts Quad, but it wasn't the dragon that was burning, but just other random things burning. Which was a rather anticlimactic way to end the festivities and usher in spring break, because what is dragon day when the dragon doesn't culminate in flames? Hmm.

But anyhow. I had fun :)



Rawr. Hotelie dragons are the best.




The cutest baby in the cutest monkey outfit, EVER.




It's now 3.30 am, and I'm going to wake up early for church tomorrow. I love spring break. Life is looking peachy.

*678 - Scattered snow showers. Mostly cloudy, with a high near 32. Northwest wind between 11 and 13 mph.

It always snows when you leave.

*677 - maybe not

That wasn't the truth. I knew it from the beginning. Did you?

*676 - vengeance of the vagisil

So, I develop a localized reaction to the Vagisil in the night and end up with a ridiculously inflamed and sore ... everything. Omg. I was in itchy, painful hell for most of the night and even got up at 4 am to take a cool shower because I didn't know what else to do. Putting on pants this morning physically hurt me, as did walking, sitting down, everything. Perched awkwardly on the edge of my seat with my legs apart and completed my prelimin 20 minutes(I hope I do ok). Waddled off to Gannett like an NS boy with a bad abrasion (I've heard stories), revealed my poor inflamed vulva to the nurse, got Q-tips inserted into me, got sent off with pills and a squirt bottle (fill with cold water and squirt for relief).

Asdfl;kjhasdflkj.

It's actually a rather amusing experience, because how often do you swell up so much that you can't put your legs together without extreme discomfort? It's ridiculous and pretty hilarious to me hahaha. Nurse says I'll be feeling better in 24 hours. I hope she's right.

*675 - alongside the moscato

Wow. First time in days that I can sit still comfortably. I like to think that I have a moderately high threshold for pain, but burning pain coupled with intense itching is just kind of hard for me to tolerate.

E: (Shuffles along the aisles desperately, as fast as Burning Itch allows)
D: (Trots along, probably thinks E is dying of a deadly disease)
E: OMG FOUND IT!!!! (Points at Vagisil: maximum strength)
D: ... oh.

Many thanks to D for rushing me to the pharmacy. What reprieve!! A phenomenal, un-itchy moment to be etched alongside the story of the Moscato.

*674 - buttered popcorn and tropical popsicles

And then, on the other hand, there are the bottles of wine and 5 am nights with the person who deserves more than this.

I just need time because I'm treading on thin ice and don't want to take a plunge.

The alcohol keeps me talking and falling down the stairs but I'm pretty certain this time about what I want, what I don't, what I need, what I don't.

*673 - perspective

Life is pretty messed up right now, on many counts, in so many different ways. But then it could be beautiful if you look at it from the right angle.

*672 - i don't know

... why God puts love in our lives, just to take it away again.

But then, I am half-pleased about the transience, just because I know it's impossible. I'm carefully squeezing my happiness into the "short term" compartment and trying not to let it overflow into the "long term" compartment. My method of building a shield around my heart.

Pandora pants, bagel bites, incense sticks, Bob Marley, contact lenses, Christmas penguins, Spanish dreams. I won't forget.

*671 - drama fest

I hate drama. Yes, I do admit that I was drunk and rash and certainly created some of that drama, but I also do believe that a lot of this shit now is totally unnecessary. Bitch fights are not fun and I feel like we, being mature women, can sit down, talk about it civilly, and understand each other. I don't think I did anything bad enough to deserve a reaction like this. I only said good things about you. The only harm I think that came out of this was that your pride was hurt. And I apologized over and over for that because who likes to get their pride hurt? I'm not stupid. But look at the bigger picture, girl, at least now the situation is clear on both sides, and we all heal and we all grow and there's no need for so much hate because it's just not worth it. How can it be worth it.