*1007 - some days

As much as I try to be cheery, to always count my blessings, to revel in His grace and redemption and divine provisions,

some days are tougher than others,
some days I am in despair over my ugliness and my inability to overcome the faults that I know that I have,
some days I am filled with abhorrence and disgust at myself,
at my shortcomings that arise again and again,
at the mistakes I make over and over,
some days the desire to punish or to rid the world of this unsightly blemish feels so so real,
of this soon-to-be 23-year-old blemish that is inexcusably blemishy,
that should not be, after all these years, and all these lessons,
that should be far beyond and above the emo years of her youth,
that should be a completely different and far better person than she used to be.

The things I scorn and the things that hurt me
are the very things that I find inside myself.

Why is it so hard on some days?