The funny thing about having a lot of spare time on my hands is that I tend to get drowned in my thoughts. I've taken to calling the parents up a lot. Love talking to the parents about random everyday things that don't really matter, talking about important things that do matter, watching them peer at little me on their computer screen, watching them sitting side by side, laughing together. They make me feel ... stable. Like everything's okay. Like everything will, always, eventually, be okay.
This year, 2007, has been a year of intense ups and downs. Very intense. All the way from the start of this year (which feels like such a long time ago). To when I flew off. To ___, and ___, and ___, and and and. Up and down, up and down, loop-the-loop, up and down ...
(Yet, when I think about everything that happened in early 2007, I realize I've carefully, selectively, cleared out memories from my mind. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. The necklace around my neck is truly, and has truly been, nothing more than a necklace around my neck. It's strangely (scarily) easy. Erasing the spots. Eternal sunshine. Maybe I'll do that again. Laugh it off. Erase the spots. Eternal sunshine.)
A year of change. Being myself. Not being myself. Accepting myself. Hating myself. Testing boundaries. Pushing boundaries. Stumbling over boundaries. Being unimaginably, unicorns-and-cotton-candily, dizzily happy. Being pitifully, (secretly), embarrassingly, painfully unhappy.
Enough already.
I love my Daddy God because He takes away my burdens.
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Evelyn
I close my eyes and imagine the dark hills I would have to cross / to reach you. For I am in love with you / and this is what it is like or what it is like in words.
Carol Ann Duffy
When I grow up, I'd like to be a cream puff. A cream puff with apricots, or even a plain one. Lukewarm at the bakery. In the window.
Jeux d'enfants
No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
Samuel Beckett