*542 - sunday blues

A day before my prelim, and I discover that my course pack (hand-me-down from Nat) is totally different from the ones that my classmates have and that for the past 6 lectures, I've been reading up on random articles that no one else has even heard of. Brilliant. I am such an idiot, I can hardly believe it.

It's been scarcely a day, and my heart's all the way down there in the tips of my toes. My eyes follow the words, but I'm not reading. I can't think of anything else, really, without all of this flooding my mind, surging through the cracks between accounting and restaurants and nutrition and invisible cities and bloody economics, soaking them through, washing them out.

Loneliness isn't about being alone anymore; it's now defined as the absence or presence of you in my life. This desperate dependence surprises me - I used to think I was strong, self-reliant. (Guess you were right when you told me I was a wannabe.)

And I'm scared. I know you're confident, but forgive me: I'm just a wuss. Who knows what this week may bring? Sometimes all it takes is a second. A realization. A change of heart.

Just so you know, I bought myself a big bottle of Arizona green tea (not the diet variety, though I was sorely tempted; I got the real stuff) and have been guzzling it like no other. For reasons only you know. It's great hot.


My phone rattles, and my heart melts and clenches, my heart lifts and drops, my heart sings and bleeds.