*1323 - what gets you really upset?

Many things, but a big one is a sweeping generalization.  People say stereotypes exist for a reason but that doesn't give you the right to assert your assumptions.  Even the well-intentioned sometimes rile me up: an earnest attempt to prove your acceptance of homosexuality to me, for instance, by bragging about your token "gay friend" only goes to annoy me because a friend is a friend is a friend so keep your friend's sexuality and your embarrassing shallow-mindedness to yourself.  It's not that I actively reject knowing about your friends' sexuality; the point is that you don't need to wave a label over their heads when it's irrelevant to the situation.

*1322 - siesta

In the past month and a half, I have:
- Traveled to Hawaii for a week
- Hosted a lovely guest in SF
- Traveled to Japan for two weeks
- Hosted another lovely guest in SF
- Traveled to Boston for almost a week

While I wholeheartedly enjoyed all of the above, I'm exhausted.

And hyper-stressed at work, unfortunately.  The straw that broke me on Thursday night was discovering a data error in an already-delivered report, which saw me sobbing at my computer with a pit in my stomach and then calling up my manager's personal cell at 9 PM to freak out.  No, my reaction was not warranted, one typically does not call up a VP of a company at 9 PM on their personal cell, but I was on edge.

And sick.

But so glad to be back in SF.

Today was, perhaps oddly to the outsider, the perfect day that the introvert in me was craving badly.  Thanks to being germy, therefore unfit for human interaction, today was the first day I recall spending in solitude in ... months.  It involved an intense amount of nose-blowing, a great deal of ginger/lemon/honey/tea-making, some porridge-creation, waking and napping cuddles with Poka, online shopping, looking at pretty girls in pretty clothes, a bit of laundry, and watching of a documentary and a movie.  I don't believe I've curled up and watched anything by myself in my apartment in ... more than just months.  I've certainly never done it in this apartment, since I moved in March.  It's just not something I ever have the time to do.

I realize the above sounds pretty miserable, but to me, that was the perfect day of emotional recovery that I needed.  Off to bed now, coughing and unable to breathe normally, but feeling much more at peace.

*1321 - too happy

Does it scare you to be too happy?

Do you worry that your capacity for happiness is going to expand in the same way your stomach stretches when you overeat, so that when you're below that max volume of happiness, even if it was perfectly satiating in the past, you may now hunger more?

That doesn't scare me as much as the thought of being happy because of someone else.

*1320 - Maui

I was trying to figure out which photo, out of the trillions that I took, would be the most representative of my trip to Maui.  These were two close contenders.

Intensely beautiful landscapes, which look uncannily like fake paintings.  Dorkily enough, this picture became all six of our phone screens throughout the trip.

And then there was this.  Intensely focused synchronized hula dancing.  

Yes, it was one of those trips.

*1319 - growing old

I recognize all the huge changes in myself over the years and am thankful.  I can guess at what could be happening in a couple of parallel universes--it could be more awesome, it could be devastatingly worse.  But where I am right now.  I am just thankful.

A younger me would have once thought crossing the line into "late 20's" would reflect a very different lifestyle than "early 20's".  Sure, materially, things have changed.  I work, I pay all my own bills, I subsist completely on my own, I don't depend on anyone.  I can afford tiny luxuries like trips to Hawaii and the occasional Michelin-rated restaurant and more shoes than I objectively require.  Sure, maturity has grown, thank God.  I understand myself and have learnt to accept myself or accept my process to accepting myself.  Sure, I have discovered new hobbies, have a different mix of friends, do different things to entertain or improve myself, have different goals and objectives.  Sure, I have new worries and new priorities that occupy my mind that didn't use to.

But one thing that would probably have surprises me, because it surprises me today and makes me giggle, is all that talk about getting jaded?  Tapering off?  Mellowing?  Settling?  Not having as much fun?  That is so far from the truth!  I look at my older friends in their 30's and 40's and I only hope I can be as cool and fun-loving as them when I am there.  (Everyone in San Franciso has a slight streak of crazy, though, so perhaps my perceptions are skewed.)

What I'm saying, I guess, is that a passion, a passion for passion, a wonder for life, and active pursuit of adventure and newness and excitement--I don't think this has to wane.  Sometimes, I catch myself laughing at myself, because I realise (happily) that some things don't change and don't have to change.

*1318 - sheeps and poles: a compilation

Sheep jamming out on poles.  Awesome Halloween!

This was Part 2 of 3 of the major Halloween events this year.  Part 3 was undocumented in pictures but involved bachata/kizomba dancing in above DIY sheep costume--which was handmade from 200 cotton balls glued to a top and a headband.  At the end of the night, I was a half-shorn sheep, leaving unravelled cotton balls strewn across the dance floor ... hilarious.

By the way, do note that cotton balls are extremely heat retentive, so prepare to be sweaty if you're ever covered in hundreds of cotton balls and dancing vigorously.

*1317 - chandelier

This is significant.

It combines my new love (zouk beats) and my old love (modern dance).

Today is significant.  Every day is significant.  Every experience, every mundane-ity (how is this not a word?), every piece of negativity, every herd of unicorns and sparkles, every spectrum of plain old nothingness.  All moments are significant.

*1316 - timelapse singapore

I thought this was really well done:
http://vimeo.com/109097527

As an insider-outsider hybrid now looking in from outside, seeing the developments that have been made in the past decade--it's remarkable, and it's beautiful.

*1315 - e&e sisters

I have a feeling many of my preferences and life choices have been unintentionally influenced by my sister.  Way back in the day, when she changed my mind on how pink and purple don't go together and how red and yellow did or maybe it was the other way around, when she thought having a little sister who could do the splits was cool therefore I learnt to do the splits and made Mumsies enroll me in ballet classes, when she once drank melted napoleon ice cream from a spoon a la Mary Poppins' medicine scene and I reenacted that quietly by myself for years, when she played the organ and I followed suit happily, when she played the piano and I followed suit more happily than following suit with the organ, when she failed at Chinese and I promptly declared myself a failure as well and landed myself in the bottom Chinese class in RGS, when she learnt French for a year because it was a beautiful language and I learnt French for a year and still think it is the most beautiful language I've ever heard ...

I don't think she remembers many of these things or realizes to what extent she shaped me, and I don't think I remember many of those things or fully realize to what extent I am me because of her.

We grew up, we're grown up, she has a French-speaking husband and seven-month old baby, I'm on the other end of the world and I share my life with a grey kitty.  We're so different in so many ways but so shockingly similar sometimes--people look at us suspiciously when they first learn we are sisters (tall/skinny/exotic-looking vs. short/stout/standard Chinese-looking, guess who's who), but the confusion goes away once we start talking.  I still look up to her tremendously and wouldn't mind at all being just like my big sister when I grow up.

*1314 - officially in love

With Zouk!

(They're brother and sister)

(I want to dance in a fountain in the setting sun too)

*1313 - sleep

Have been sleeping rather horribly lately.  Firstly, sheer lack of sleep.  Secondly, frequently waking up in a panic and unexplainable need to check my work phone immediately e.g. at 3 am.  Thirdly, waking nightmares where I'm having anxiety about dreamt up work-related issues but I'm actually physically awake but I guess mentally in limbo--this one is hard to articulate but seems like a colleague of mine has the exact same phenomenon happening so I'm not alone.

This morning, Poka screamed and I whimpered for five minutes before we crawled out of bed.

Well, this just means more PSL's in the day (hashtagbasicbitch).

*1312 - call me; twenty dollars

How have I not discovered them earlier??  I am such a fan.  Groovin' out!

*1311 - release

These days, I've been completely blissed out.  After almost three decades ("what the what??"--my new phrase that makes me giggle) of figuring myself out, I think I'm at the point where I've worked out the intricacies of this complex and evolving being.  I am still wrought with inadequacies and insecurities and peculiarities, but they no longer take me by surprise--acknowledge them, and then either focus positive energies towards making a change, or release and accept.  

Why welcome back, Insecurity, you still feel icky on a visceral level (that sinking feeling in my tummy, that thump in my throat), but now I know what caused you to enter into my domain, and I know that some day I will be able to bid you farewell--or maybe even some day I won't.  But that's fine, because I understand, and I know how to react in a non-destructive fashion, and maybe my heart will catch up with my head eventually.  Maybe.

I catch myself beaming to myself without obvious cause when I'm alone, and chuckle.

-

If you are struggling.  Acknowledge the struggle, acknowledge the pain, acknowledge the brutality, acknowledge that you're not perfect, acknowledge that you will not be.  It's an understanding of yourself that you may or may not ever be able to let go of.  But try and release the negativity, to make room for the strength, that you may or may not garner this time, and it's okay if you don't.  But you work towards the possibility that some day you may.

*1310 - a day of discovery

Yesterday was a day of discovery.  

First of all, the musical genre of electronic swing.  After some careful tweaking, I've been grooving out to my freshly minted Pandora station based on Parov Stelar's Chambermaid Swing.  This remix has the benefit of being accompanied by a particularly trippy video; there is some fantastically wild lindyhop going on in there.

Secondly, I went to my first ever Kizomba class and social.  I've dabbled awkwardly in the past a couple of times but never really got it.  Yesterday, the theoretical concept of the connection suddenly clicked bodily and BAM, four hours of Kizomba flew by.  This was my favorite song of the night.

And thirdly, in the midst of discovering Kizomba, I did a surprise double-discovery and discovered Zouk.  Oddly enough, it's danced to the same music as Kizomba, but it's a completely different dance.  I think of it as a beautiful rag doll dance.  There happened to be a Zouk instructor in the little crowd who was so kind as to spin and weave me through the rest of the Kizomba social folks in spite of my complete ignorance of the dance, and somehow made it appear (probably to the equally ignorant onlooker) that I was actually dancing.  Still, I found it to be really beautiful.  Here is a video that represents very well what I was not doing:

A fresh addict--and off I go now to dance the night away again.

*1309 - rope swing

Billy Goat Hill's rope swing: a hidden gem in SF.  A very long piece of rope tied around a skinny tree branch, with a rudimentarily constructed wooden seat attached to the end.  It launches you off the top of a hill, with a precarious drop beneath you, but an inspiring view of the city in the backdrop.



The littler bump on the left (not the big brown bump on the right) is where I live ... I think!

I appeared to be the only one who screeched as I went, so perhaps this isn't something that most would classify as an exhilarating experience, but ... I loved it.

*1308 - babies

One important advantage about having a big sister, though of course there are uncountable more, is that they get to navigate the bumpy path of learning How To Have A Baby before you have to.

This is particularly helpful if you grew up in a world surprisingly devoid of babies or even toddlers, leading to an unfounded but real fear of being within arm's length of one of those.  That aversion still exists, but if caught in a true emergency situation, I could probably (awkwardly) carry, burp, mix formula for, and bottle feed a newborn.  I also have some theoretical knowledge of the bathing and diaper-changing procedure, and the wonders of the modern woman's hands-free breast pump, solely based on nervous observation.

I'm counting on the fact that generations upon generations of mothers have successfully brought up their babies, therefore it should be accomplish-able when it comes to my turn (oh goodness, not anytime soon, please).  But it brings me great comfort that I would have my sister to count on for motherly wisdom when that time comes.  Thanks, sis :)

Meanwhile, I am affixed to the oh-so-foreign-to-me daily struggles, triumphs, discoveries of a new mother.  Here's my sister's Little Sack Of Rice!

*1307 - hair, part two and three

Hair part one will always have a special place in my heart ... $400 and 9 hours cutting, bleaching, and dyeing my virgin hair. Purple interwoven with blue.

Hair part two was fun: punky pink tips (which eventually faded to baby pinky blonde) with a deeper purple ombre closer to the roots.

But now, hair part three is just ... amazingness to a different level.  Mermaid blues and teals--there are icy chunks, royal blues, and smudges of greens.  If everyone in the world were to be born with colored hair--and imagine what fun that would be; oh, inadequate genetics--I would have been born with this.  

*1306 - complication

Being in a relationship can bring out the biggest frustrations and explosions in your life because, well, it matters. It makes sense that everything is amplified--things you could let go off if the same situation happened with just a friend become exponentially more important to hold on to and address. I've been (perhaps unnaturally) content swingin' single these past few months, but am quickly finding that it can be terribly complicated and tumultuous as well. The key has always been alignment. There are so many people in the world seeking alignment. And so many people in various states of needs and expectations. It should not be all this difficult to be aligned.

*1305 - sick again

I see a trend here: long weekend = party it up = sick for a week after that.  Oops.

Being sick really sucks but ...

#1. Having been wiped out for a week and a half recently for the same reason, I have my Cold Recovery Routine down pat.  This includes having four important fluids lined up at arms' length at any moment: lukewarm water, hot ginger lemon honey tea, cold juice/Gatorade/equivalent, and very importantly, NyQuil ready for swigging straight from bottle.  This also includes making large quantities of two dishes on Day Minus 1 (yes, I can tell when I'm going to be sick the next day, and can therefore prepare ahead of time for the inevitable) that becomes my sustenance over the course of illness: homemade chicken noodle soup with lots of ginger, and porridge with lots of ginger.  Someone told me ginger was the magic ingredient to recovery and I so am aggressively ingesting ginger just in case it works.

#2. Cuddling up with this little darling while working from home makes things a touch better:

*1304 - casual

The irony is that being casual can be more stressful than being serious.  It is surprisingly difficult to tell the difference between self-protection (taking the time to be me, understand what I need, overcome barriers) and shooting myself in the foot (missed opportunities).