*1313 - sleep

Have been sleeping rather horribly lately.  Firstly, sheer lack of sleep.  Secondly, frequently waking up in a panic and unexplainable need to check my work phone immediately e.g. at 3 am.  Thirdly, waking nightmares where I'm having anxiety about dreamt up work-related issues but I'm actually physically awake but I guess mentally in limbo--this one is hard to articulate but seems like a colleague of mine has the exact same phenomenon happening so I'm not alone.

This morning, Poka screamed and I whimpered for five minutes before we crawled out of bed.

Well, this just means more PSL's in the day (hashtagbasicbitch).

*1312 - call me; twenty dollars

How have I not discovered them earlier??  I am such a fan.  Groovin' out!

*1311 - release

These days, I've been completely blissed out.  After almost three decades ("what the what??"--my new phrase that makes me giggle) of figuring myself out, I think I'm at the point where I've worked out the intricacies of this complex and evolving being.  I am still wrought with inadequacies and insecurities and peculiarities, but they no longer take me by surprise--acknowledge them, and then either focus positive energies towards making a change, or release and accept.  

Why welcome back, Insecurity, you still feel icky on a visceral level (that sinking feeling in my tummy, that thump in my throat), but now I know what caused you to enter into my domain, and I know that some day I will be able to bid you farewell--or maybe even some day I won't.  But that's fine, because I understand, and I know how to react in a non-destructive fashion, and maybe my heart will catch up with my head eventually.  Maybe.

I catch myself beaming to myself without obvious cause when I'm alone, and chuckle.

-

If you are struggling.  Acknowledge the struggle, acknowledge the pain, acknowledge the brutality, acknowledge that you're not perfect, acknowledge that you will not be.  It's an understanding of yourself that you may or may not ever be able to let go of.  But try and release the negativity, to make room for the strength, that you may or may not garner this time, and it's okay if you don't.  But you work towards the possibility that some day you may.

*1310 - a day of discovery

Yesterday was a day of discovery.  

First of all, the musical genre of electronic swing.  After some careful tweaking, I've been grooving out to my freshly minted Pandora station based on Parov Stelar's Chambermaid Swing.  This remix has the benefit of being accompanied by a particularly trippy video; there is some fantastically wild lindyhop going on in there.

Secondly, I went to my first ever Kizomba class and social.  I've dabbled awkwardly in the past a couple of times but never really got it.  Yesterday, the theoretical concept of the connection suddenly clicked bodily and BAM, four hours of Kizomba flew by.  This was my favorite song of the night.

And thirdly, in the midst of discovering Kizomba, I did a surprise double-discovery and discovered Zouk.  Oddly enough, it's danced to the same music as Kizomba, but it's a completely different dance.  I think of it as a beautiful rag doll dance.  There happened to be a Zouk instructor in the little crowd who was so kind as to spin and weave me through the rest of the Kizomba social folks in spite of my complete ignorance of the dance, and somehow made it appear (probably to the equally ignorant onlooker) that I was actually dancing.  Still, I found it to be really beautiful.  Here is a video that represents very well what I was not doing:

A fresh addict--and off I go now to dance the night away again.

*1309 - rope swing

Billy Goat Hill's rope swing: a hidden gem in SF.  A very long piece of rope tied around a skinny tree branch, with a rudimentarily constructed wooden seat attached to the end.  It launches you off the top of a hill, with a precarious drop beneath you, but an inspiring view of the city in the backdrop.



The littler bump on the left (not the big brown bump on the right) is where I live ... I think!

I appeared to be the only one who screeched as I went, so perhaps this isn't something that most would classify as an exhilarating experience, but ... I loved it.

*1308 - babies

One important advantage about having a big sister, though of course there are uncountable more, is that they get to navigate the bumpy path of learning How To Have A Baby before you have to.

This is particularly helpful if you grew up in a world surprisingly devoid of babies or even toddlers, leading to an unfounded but real fear of being within arm's length of one of those.  That aversion still exists, but if caught in a true emergency situation, I could probably (awkwardly) carry, burp, mix formula for, and bottle feed a newborn.  I also have some theoretical knowledge of the bathing and diaper-changing procedure, and the wonders of the modern woman's hands-free breast pump, solely based on nervous observation.

I'm counting on the fact that generations upon generations of mothers have successfully brought up their babies, therefore it should be accomplish-able when it comes to my turn (oh goodness, not anytime soon, please).  But it brings me great comfort that I would have my sister to count on for motherly wisdom when that time comes.  Thanks, sis :)

Meanwhile, I am affixed to the oh-so-foreign-to-me daily struggles, triumphs, discoveries of a new mother.  Here's my sister's Little Sack Of Rice!

*1307 - hair, part two and three

Hair part one will always have a special place in my heart ... $400 and 9 hours cutting, bleaching, and dyeing my virgin hair. Purple interwoven with blue.

Hair part two was fun: punky pink tips (which eventually faded to baby pinky blonde) with a deeper purple ombre closer to the roots.

But now, hair part three is just ... amazingness to a different level.  Mermaid blues and teals--there are icy chunks, royal blues, and smudges of greens.  If everyone in the world were to be born with colored hair--and imagine what fun that would be; oh, inadequate genetics--I would have been born with this.  

*1306 - complication

Being in a relationship can bring out the biggest frustrations and explosions in your life because, well, it matters. It makes sense that everything is amplified--things you could let go off if the same situation happened with just a friend become exponentially more important to hold on to and address. I've been (perhaps unnaturally) content swingin' single these past few months, but am quickly finding that it can be terribly complicated and tumultuous as well. The key has always been alignment. There are so many people in the world seeking alignment. And so many people in various states of needs and expectations. It should not be all this difficult to be aligned.

*1305 - sick again

I see a trend here: long weekend = party it up = sick for a week after that.  Oops.

Being sick really sucks but ...

#1. Having been wiped out for a week and a half recently for the same reason, I have my Cold Recovery Routine down pat.  This includes having four important fluids lined up at arms' length at any moment: lukewarm water, hot ginger lemon honey tea, cold juice/Gatorade/equivalent, and very importantly, NyQuil ready for swigging straight from bottle.  This also includes making large quantities of two dishes on Day Minus 1 (yes, I can tell when I'm going to be sick the next day, and can therefore prepare ahead of time for the inevitable) that becomes my sustenance over the course of illness: homemade chicken noodle soup with lots of ginger, and porridge with lots of ginger.  Someone told me ginger was the magic ingredient to recovery and I so am aggressively ingesting ginger just in case it works.

#2. Cuddling up with this little darling while working from home makes things a touch better:

*1304 - casual

The irony is that being casual can be more stressful than being serious.  It is surprisingly difficult to tell the difference between self-protection (taking the time to be me, understand what I need, overcome barriers) and shooting myself in the foot (missed opportunities).

*1303 - turning 18 but 26

The best part about living by the bay is witnessing glorious fireworks upon a beautiful backdrop ever so often by chance.  These were particularly spectacular, and we never found out what the occasion was.  Or bothered to find out.

I am incessantly repetitive but the difference between the past three years and today is just so eye-opening-ly stark.  I see myself reverting back to what I once was way back when I was joyful in anticipation of life, simply the expectation of what life could behold, and the future, the future that was indisputably going to be awesome even if it wasn't immediately--except with the added benefit of years of wisdom to regulate the naivete (thank God).  It's not so much situational, but more a mindset.  I do think we are very much influenced by our surroundings and can take on various different personas which we can call our own.  And no, I don't mean untruthfully.  

*1302 - turning 26

It's been one of my more epic birthday weeks (though this is not much coming from the girl who refuses to explicitly celebrate it in general).  Therefore, I am sick today.  But it was worth it.

This year's celebrations involved a sous vide salmon party and six bottles of wine for five people, cocktails at the academy of science, a half day just for me on my birthday, dancing the night away, girl friends from NY visiting over the long weekend, several ridiculously amazing dinners, high/tipsy giggle fests all around, Sonoma tour that involved a limo for seven, many bottles of wine, gorgeous vineyard views, general debauchery, and impromptu salsa dancing in a winery courtyard:

And now it's time to knock myself out with cold medication and sleep for hopefully 12 hours.  I can't remember when the last time was that I had a good night's sleep.

*1301 - change

... is turning out to suit me very well.

All you need really are a few super-positives to hang on to--an old best buddy or a new cool friend, a regular dance class or new dancing experiences, a pesky kitty who somehow manages to be cute just when I'm about to throw her out the window ;), a good song to rock out to when noone's looking, a beautiful sunny day, a lovely city to explore ... I sometimes feel like I'm sitting in a train watching the outside flash by, industrial grey or sunset oranges or icy blues, sometimes slow and dreary, sometimes slow and gorgeous, sometimes fast and scary, sometimes thankfully, blindly fast.  But all these super-positives are sitting in my carriage with me looking out the window as well.  Maybe once in a while they decide to take flight and slip out through the crack of the window, whipped away by the wind or slowly letting go.  Maybe once in a while I put my arm out of the window and pluck a new one from outside and set it down next to me.

That's my philosophy.  Remember to look around in my carriage and realise that no matter what's flashing by outside, I'm blessed.

*1300 - change

Much as I enjoy the follies of this awesome city of San Francisco, the glorious food, the beautiful people, the entertainment aplenty, the work that I love doing ...

Yep.  Always missing home sweet home.  Ahh.



(Walking along the Singapore River one night.)

Much dramatic change going on in my life right now that's almost too much to handle.  Just almost.  Yet I'm filled with hope for things to start spiraling back upwards.

*1299 - history

Sometimes, it's pretty darn awesome to have a blog.  For me, it has morphed from a weirdly embarrassing narcissistic outlet some ten years ago to a more private personal notebook today.  Private because no one reads this anymore, yes? ;)  Well, the most private of thoughts/feelings never come through explicitly, but it does help jog the memory regardless.

It's often horrifying but enlightening to scroll through your silly immature thoughts of the past, realize on hindsight what terrible decisions you've made in the past, what pointless things occupied your mind, what embarrassingly unimportant events were so important to you, but reflect on how they have ultimately made you who you are today.

Some day I will read this, shake my head, and wonder why I was so pensive and dramatic.  Silly old me.

*1298 - jetlag

Day one: collapsed at 830 pm after a packed day upon landing in SF and no sleep on flights. Woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed and in high spirits. Bounced out of bed into bathroom to get ready for a brand new day, whereupon realizing it was just 1130 pm and I had a whole night ahead of me yet. Dozed intermittently here and there but not really.

Day two: being ambitious and having gone straight from work to an evening dance class, managed to stay up til 1130 pm despite extreme exhaustion. Declared it a safer time to sleep compared to the previous night's 830. Unfortunately have been up since 3 am and am at a loss of what to do with myself at this point.

Well! Honestly not terribly pleased with being back due to many less than desirable circumstances and the fact that I'm missing my family dearly. It is always a difficult parting and adjustment, and I'm not just talking about jetlag.

*1297 - blue and purple

Et voila.  The result of two trips to the hair salon, including two rounds of cutting and coloring, nine hours in a chair, and several hundred dollars later.  This is an extremely deceiving photo that I snapped with my phone in an attempt to show someone quickly what my new hair looked like.  It's only this vibrant if I'm standing by a window with natural light pouring in, my hair arranged just so, and when freshly dyed.

There are two layers of purple+blue hair covered by a shield of jet black for semblance of professionalism when I'm back at work.  One layer rings around the top of my head, and the other layer goes asymmetrically from the top right to the bottom left.  They interwove blue with purple dye throughout so there's a lot of interesting texture.

Absolutely love it!  Much-needed breath of fresh air.

(Only Hairloom will be allowed to do anything drastic to my hair from now on.  Too bad I'll miss them when I'm in SF!)

*1296 - home

I have been home two weeks with one left to go.  I have made my family a heavier priority this time round than before.  Am blessed to be witnessing the milestones in my siblings' lives even though I am usually not present.

So many mixed feelings.  Nightly, I'm pooped and flop into bed early with extreme fatigue from running from appointment to appointment everyday, woozy from sun exposure, headachey from dehydration because I generally suck at drinking enough liquids.  But I lie awake for hours and then stir again in the wee hours of the morning, thoughts churning and preventing me from sleeping or going back to sleep.

One, there is the whole "It's Complicated" thing to worry about.  Two, the stress of finding (a) a roomie and (b) a room in SF.  Three and most poignantly for now, the haunting question every friend and family member asks me for which I cannot find a clear answer in my heart: "so are you coming back to Singapore eventually?"

There are many little pieces to weigh and juggle and inspect and taste, holding up against the light, breathing in deeply or gurgling sips through the teeth or chewing thoughtfully, trying to find matching pieces of the jigsaw to make a whole and coherent picture without having the end goal to refer to.  (That applies to all three.)  The commentary in my head switches sides in the blink of an eye; do I really have to know the answer right now?  (That applies to the last.)

*1295 - international

So completely spot on.

*1294 - whole

As hard as the heart tries to clutch on desperately, ultimately the mind which can look further than just the immediate guides the way.  Mildly at ease but in great turmoil at the same time.  There will be calm once both halves reconcile.