*697 - toenail bits

I was cheerfully, leisurely making my way up the stairs to my room, when I suddenly found myself faceplanted on the steps, with a scrape on my knee and a crack in my toenail (ouch). Squatted on the steps momentarily pressing my toenail, willing it to fuse back to my skin, remembering the last time I fell up the stairs in an embarrassingly similar situation (result: largest bruise in my life from the top of my foot to mid-shin).

Just thought that was funny :D

*696 - run

Do you not understand? Was it not obvious? I have had enough!

I hate confrontation or uncomfortable situations. Where the awkwardness, hurt, shock, rejection, are thickly tangible. You force me to claw my way through and say it bluntly in your face.


For more reasons than one, I am eager to go home. To run away from situation #1, situation #2, situation #3, situation #4. I am spinning a silk web that is a little too delicate for me to maintain.


(Afterthought: life is a lot less dramatic on retrospect.)

*695 - beautiful night

Each semester is a different chapter, characterized by different secrets and stories. The fourth one's ending, and then, two more.

Chapter One: Growing up; changing; learning; betraying; loving; breaking. (Unpredictable.)
Chapter Two: Two broken hearts; rainbows and raspberries; winter to spring. (Happy.)
Chapter Three: Insecurities; lies; confusion; rebellion. (Unhappy.)
Chapter Four: Search for happiness, search for love, search for self; discovery; choice; escape. (Fascinating.)

*694 - home

So it seems like I'll be heading home for my internship this summer. Heat waves, little concrete city, Singlish, chicken rice, efficient public transport, legal drinking, etc, here I come!

What I miss most about Singapore: the family. No question about that.

*693 - bed

My body's on the verge of giving up. It's so battered that even thinking about breathing normally while sleeping is too much for it to handle.

It's definitely the unfortunate consequence of lack of sleep, intense stress, unhealthy eating habits, and dancing on average 3 hours a day. Poor body has no time to recover.

It's now 2.30 am, and we just finished our development paper which we have been working on non-stop for the last 2 weeks or so. It's certainly a load off my mind, but that's just one load.

Rather excited at the thought of going to sleep now, although I have to get up at 7. Bed. Ahh.

*692 - no one is the only one

Remember the last time it was spring? It tried to creep up on us but we noticed every fuzzy green leaf unfurling, every pink flower bud poking its head out at us.

I realize that this year, spring has kind of crept up on me and I haven't been noticing, really. Suddenly, there are full-bloomed purple pansies perched by the road. Yellow tulips. The trees outside have started budding. And since when did the grass decide to turn green again?

Spring is rather ambiguous this year, though. Dried out grey muck next to thriving green leaves. Snow (in April!) one day and 50 degree weather the next. Well, that's Ithaca.

-

Rather burned out. Yesterday saw me sprawled across a Statler couch with Chae (development project) and Jenny (service ops project) on either side of me, Inshi (HR) on the phone, on the verge of tears over the sheer amount of work I had to get done in the next 5 hours, 1 day, 2 days, 1 week, 3 weeks, lifetime. And I'm generally pretty chill about deadlines and studying. Understandably, the friends were rather surprised.

Ate monstrously sized onion rings and so many Reeses' Pieces that I almost threw up over my stupid floor plans and HR notes. Headed home to work on an 18-page HR paper till 3 am. Staggered out to the bathroom when I was done and found Jon staggering back home from school. Oh, Hotelies.

Was immensely thankful for friends like Inshi who called me up periodically to check on me. At times like those, in times like these, I just think "uh huh, best girl friends >>> boys". What will I do without her next year?? Boys come and go way too fast (or maybe I push them out way too fast) but whatever it is, your good gal pals are the ones who stick by you without motive, without expectation, without complication.

*691 - no time for goodbye

Familiar faces in dimly lit rooms, but most of them are not the point.

Too many people to meet, too many accidental awkward meetings with people who should not meet.

(You are trying to protect me from each other. I'll protect myself.)

Crisp night air and dried worms on the ground that usually make me cry.

Green seedless monster grapes, red wine, French braids.

(You have a temper; you are perceptive; your temper was justified.)

Exciting 3 am taxi rides on walking pavements instead of on the road.

Fashion disaster: slinky top, men's sweats, size 10 flipflops, plaid fedora, houndstooth coat.

Tipsy attempts at break dancing, tipsy attempts at Michael Jackson-type grooving.

I was not there.

(I'm sorry.)

Early mornings, beautiful sunshine, brunch with eggs Alaska and a little puppy.

(You don't know me; I don't know me.)

*690 - respect

I think I deserved more than that
I think I deserve more than that
Now that the roles are reversed
Me, you, you, me
I'm not sure how to continue
How to end

*689 - absolut citron

That's what friends are for - to sit next to you while you're throwing up (ew) and to hoist you into bed when all you can do is sit on the bathroom floor with your arms around the toilet bowl. Too many shots in too little time, oopsies. Intensely thankful for E, for looking after me.

Nursing my hangover with a mug of hot water (which is making me feel like puking but it seems like a logical remedy) and fretting over the amount of work that I have to get done later today. It's a most gorgeous day, though, almost 50 degrees F out and sunny. Picnic later, I'm happy :)

*688 - perspective

Life is so fragile. Sometimes it takes a big WHAM to put things into perspective.

I don't really know what to say or do. I'm so upset that I didn't know earlier. I wish I were there to just ... be there for you. I'll be praying really hard. God will make everything better day by day, I promise! Sending you all the love I have from across the globe. Stay strong.

:(

*687 - knives

I don't know how anyone can harbor so much hate within themselves. Especially if you step back and just look at the situation. Just look at it. Look. Look! Just look! What could possibly justify that kind of quiet, cold, seething, knife-like hatred? Which grows and grows over time instead of fading?

Every day I try to ignore it and be happy. But I've learned to recognize your footsteps (slide-tap, slide-tap) and when I hear that, I stay away, because the daggers you shoot at me whenever I smile and say hi - they cut.

Maybe that's what you want. I hope you're happy.

*686 - the strange things dancers do

Dance in stairwells


Pretend to be anteaters stalking each other


Dance in the male bathroom
(Spot Ivette in the mirror scaling the cubicles)


By the urinals


And on the toilet


Feel happy and sad


Do a modern version of a pole dance

*685 - i am sitting in a room

different from the one you are in now.

*684 - navigator of the seas

Dining room


Inside


Outside


Apple juice


The cruise. Wind in my hair, sun on my cheek, unlimited food, dearest Sommai, 72 chews, dimple in singular, 3 am hot tubs, the dungeon, pause grape grape grape mango two, conversations in bed, three reef snorkeling plus one, two in one, slot machines, ...

Well. It gave me time to be introspective. To look inside and ask why, why do I, why don't I, why do I do this, why don't I ever learn? And maybe it gave me time to be 'extro'spective too. To look outside and ask why, why does he, why doesn't she, how could he, why should she?

Unanswered questions. Some torment me. Others give me hope. My life is in some sort of a mess and I'm not sure where to begin cleaning up. Over there are my emotions tied up in an impossible knot. Over on the other side (somewhat literally) is a mountain of untouched work and career-related things I should not be ignoring. And over here is just me, trying to be happy, trying to ignore, trying to grow, trying to forgive, trying to heal, trying to forget, trying to smile, trying to love.

All of your faces. Floating through my mind, different memories and different feelings attached. All with a little "hmm" label. You make me laugh. Hmm. You make me doubt. Hmm. You make me curious. Hmm. You upset me more than you should. Hmm. You do not affect me. Hmm. And then you, you make me infinitely happy, infinitely sad.

Hmm.

*683 - overgrown kids

My first time in a water park ;)

*682 - back to reality

Life has been exciting. But spring break is now over, so it's back to reality again. Like Vance said, I'm still suffering from phantom ground-swaying thanks to the cruise. And suffering the aftereffects of not applying the sunblock as thoroughly as I should have as well as the aftereffects of eating two entrees and three desserts at each meal.

Spring break was just one drama after another. What I want to say to different people (most of whom will never see this) but probably will not.

1. I'm sorry that it happened like that. I don't know about you, but I'm filing the past month away into the "happy" compartment. I hope we can be friends again.

2. Although I almost threw up, it was just perfect. And crazy. I only wish ...

3. Today, I found out that yes, it was your sister who opened the door, but no, she was not by herself. I wonder if that bothers you. You are slightly less clandestine than I expected.

4. I save your voicemails. I miss you. A lot more than I dare to think about.

5. Now that the challenge is over, what are you going to do?

*681 - her morning elegance

*680 - I opened my eyes

when you were kissing me once
more than once

from the first to the last time
the signs said 'stop'
but we went on whole-hearted

*679 - dragon baby

Dragon day - what better day to bring out the camera, which has pretty much been hibernating all semester? The dragon was small but stylish and fancy this year, and the phoenix was small but gorgeous and a lot more mobile than last year's red pigeon-like phoenix. For some strange reason, there was the traditional huge ozone-damaging fire in the Arts Quad, but it wasn't the dragon that was burning, but just other random things burning. Which was a rather anticlimactic way to end the festivities and usher in spring break, because what is dragon day when the dragon doesn't culminate in flames? Hmm.

But anyhow. I had fun :)



Rawr. Hotelie dragons are the best.




The cutest baby in the cutest monkey outfit, EVER.




It's now 3.30 am, and I'm going to wake up early for church tomorrow. I love spring break. Life is looking peachy.

*678 - Scattered snow showers. Mostly cloudy, with a high near 32. Northwest wind between 11 and 13 mph.

It always snows when you leave.